Labor and Delivery: Hollywood Style

We mommies know all sorts of things about delivering children. We know what we learn from our prenatal classes, our "What To Expect" books, the stories told to us by our mothers, aunts, sisters, and friends, and our own experiences (for those of us on baby #2+). And then there is the most entertaining, and likely the most ridiculous: what we learn by watching TV.

Last week on The New Adventures of Old Christine, I learned that it's possible not only for two friends to plan it out so they simultaneously conceive their children, but then that they can also both simultaneously go into labor by both having their waters break and then moments later begin feeling strong contractions when they had had none leading up to that moment. Very plausible on all counts. By the way, only 10 percent of women begin labor by having their waters break, and yet it is my greatest fear, probably because of how common they make it seem on TV. I worry daily that I will be in the middle of class and suddenly gallons of amniotic fluid will gush forth, flooding my students out of the classroom. Oh, and they share this fear. We have talked about it on several occasions. I have warned them that if something like that happens, they should all run out of the room and find a safe place to be, and send in the principal. Of course, he would probably have a heart attack, too. I should maybe have asked them to send in one of my girlfriends, but oh well. Oh, and one day I spilled my tea in the hallway and one of the 10th grade boys saw the puddle and RAN for his life. It was pretty funny.

Yes, many shows other than New Christine have shown us scenarios of women giving birth. Often, it happens in taxicabs or elevators. Often, the main characters have to deliver babies in unsterilized settings with little to no medical experience, and they do so successfully. And the babies they give birth to usually seem to be about 3 months old, and amazingly clean. It is all so realistic, right?

However, the show I find the least realistic is actually a documentary show: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. I am shocked by how many women are featured on this show who (wait for it...) DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT. Then, suddenly they went into labor. What? With all the crazy things that have been happening to me, my mood, and my body, I can't imagine not being aware. But I know everyone's experience is different. But seriously, if a sitcom featured the kinds of stories this show has, I would change the channel because I would be so annoyed about how unrealistic it all is. By the way, did you know that if you go into labor when you don't know you are pregnant, you might have your baby in the toilet? Yup. It happens, or at least it has happened twice that I have seen on that show. Oh, and by the way, it is not only possible to be pregnant and not know it, but it is also possible to deliver the surprise baby only to realize that-SURPRISE!--it's twins!! Yup, that has happened at least twice, too.

Anyway, after seeing all this craziness on TV over the last twenty-some years, I am pretty set on what I want out of my delivery. On my due date (or actually, the friday afternoon before it) I want to feel some contractions that are not too bad, so I have some time to get things in order. Then, I want to go to the hospital and deliver a healthy baby an hour or so later. I want no craziness, no emergencies, no getting caught in the elevator, no water breaking in public, no surprise twins, no baby in the toilet, and no camera crew to catch any insanity that does take place to put it on TV. I hope this isn't too much to ask.