Gender Identity

When my husband and I first got pregnant, we both said we didn't want to know the gender of the baby. Mainly, we wanted the excitement throughout the pregnancy (and even into the delivery room) of not knowing. But another reason we didn't want to find out the sex was to avoid getting all blue or pink clothing and toys as gifts. It is important that children be given wiggle room so that they can decide how to express their personality in a way that suits them. So, we went neutral, painted the room yellow, and registered for things of all colors.

I know I am not the first mother to try and go gender neutral. But I am surprised that people have given me a hard time about it. Not a lot of people, but enough to bother me. When I told a bunch of friends that I planned to continue gender neutral clothing as my child grew, they asked, "How much green and yellow can you handle?" I said we would buy all colors, from red to tan to purple. I was asked, "But what if it's a boy? Boys can't wear purple!" I got irritated and mentioned something about not saying such things around the Vikings, and about my baby being able to wear any color he wanted. One woman shut me up with the condescending, "When you actually have a boy, you will understand."

I really hate when people who disagree with me blame it on my lack of experience, as though the only way I could have a different opinion would be out of ignorance. So, I made a personal vow to stay gender neutral. And it lasted--all the way through the newborn sized clothes. Now that my son is 6 months, he is on his third set of clothes. Granted, I did not purchase any of the clothes myself, because we have been lucky enough to have gotten lots of hand-me-downs and gifts. But even if I had, it is hard to find things that don't either come with ruffles or little sayings like, "Daddy's favorite little quarterback." Don't get me wrong: ruffles and quarterbacks are cute, but it's frustrated to have such limited choices. So, probably half of the time I dress him in blue.

Why do I do this? Have I already abandoned my moral stance on forcing gender roles on infants? I like to think not. My son has light skin, blond hair, and bright blue eyes. The truth is, he looks amazing in blue. However, it is important to me to maintain an openness about gender identity in the house. I suppose I can continue to try to find other colors I like on him as much as blue (red is also a good match, but there aren't as many red clothes out there, and since I rely on others to provide the wardrobe, I have to take what I can get). I can also consider the fact that gender identity is shaped by much more than the color of his outfits; toys, games, books, and even the adjectives I use to describe him will all make an impact as well. I can make a choice to call him my gentle, sweet little boy rather than my strong, big boy.

In the meantime, I will make an effort to dress him in more 'feminine' colors when I know I will be seeing the people who gave me a hard time, just to make a statement.